im not insane
Below are the 50 most recent journal entries recorded in the "i cant be your hero" journal:
[<< Previous 50 entries]
My heart shatters for the second time in this relationship. I've physically been shaking for 2 and a half hours. How can I trust him when he's done this to me again? Would I better off without? I wish of things together, he wishes for a get out of jail free card.
My heart beats slower knowing it's been wounded again. The shaking continues. I don't know what else to do. I'm becoming more and more closed off, injuries seem never healing. I have no smile conceal my true feelings of worry, mistrust, unassurance. Here comes another panic attack, I feel the lump in my throat rising.
I may be a masochist, whips and chains sure, but this kind is emotional. I never thought I would let someone do it to me again, but here it is.
People die of broken hearts, I just wonder if they feel every moment before they pass.
I really thought things were different, in the best way. But it seems like the past is repeating, and tearing me down all over again. I'm more and more bitter, soon I'll be the crazy old coot that no one pays attention to because she's so spiteful.
Current Mood: broken
So I'm starting to get really fucking fed up with our realtor. If she's too busy I wish she would just say so I can find someone that isn't too busy. On another note, the housing market fucking hates me, we've submitted 6 offers and every single one has been turned down. Like seriously, you just look at it and throw it the other way until the buyer decides on a different offer than email me saying exactly that, Fuck you and the horse shaped butt plug you rode in on. Or rather hopped in on.
Harry Potter was supposed to have a soft opening today, so during the possible start to a flood downpour I scooted my happy ass to where hogsmeade is. That fucking gate couldn't have so boldly stated 'You're the most gullible person ever' if I had never seen a gate before.
Ugh, I need a vacation, but until I get the house I can't spend my savings. I just need a glimmer of hope. I'm starting to drown in a sea of misery.
Current Location: my stupid tiny apartment
Current Mood: annoyed
after a fantastic date on our anniversary with the hubs I come in to the news that I work 2 motherfucking days next week, that's it!!!!
seriously eat a bag of dicks and wash it down with some moneyshots
that is all
Current Mood: angry
Lately I have been in this indescribable funk/depression. I have no idea what brought it on and what i can do to fix it. I get in fights with everyone with the drop of a hat, I don't really want to talk to my friends and then i turn around and feel so alone.
I understand that I have changed a lot since high school but everyone I've been trying to reconnect to from high school seems to treat me a lot differently now. Well everyone other than Shelley, she's always been there for me, even when I wasn't always there for her. And that makes me feel like shit.
I don't understand it and I'm sinking further into my rabbit hole.
Current Mood: blah
So instead of having my tax return in February direct deposited it comes back with invalid account information. Instead of getting a check in March it will have to go back to the IRS as unmailable. Then in the middle of April I can call and have them cut me a check to be sent to my current address, but I won't receive it till probably the end of May. And instead of getting 2 checks one stimulus and one tax refund it's all lumped together.
awesome way to start the day
I fucking hate this shit
Current Mood: infuriated
I'm buzzed and all i have to say is fuck everyone who pretends to be my friend and does nothing to prove it.
happy st Patrick's day
to the fake people and the liars of the world|
you are all scum of the planet and I wish you all lived together on one place. let the rest of the people live out their lives without you. Fucking stupid ignorant meaningless mindless drowns of the world I hope you live long enough to see everyone hate every fiber you are. and then maybe we would be one down.
Things haven't exactly started to look up but they will. Mike and I are moving again. This will make it the third time in the two and a half years we've been together.
As for emotions right now I'm somewhat numb, not to Mike but just about to everything else. I'm jealous of what other people are doing/saying. Mostly doing, i want a house, i want to be able to have a bakery of my own and do the things i want to do. but I'm constantly being held back for one reason or another.
I'm tired of friends who call themselves friends but do nothing to indicate that they are a friend. I know that I'm also a hypocrite of this. I just don't feel connected to many people anymore and that makes me sad. My friends are awesome and i love them dearly but some times i don't feel like anyone really cares.
I just don't want to be constantly questioning if one person is being a friend or just acting friendly because they can.
I guess sometimes you cant continue to be as good of friends with someone you once were, and that makes me sad. It also makes me wonder if i cling on to people too much.
But alas, i am moving I wish it were into a house but that i cannot afford at the moment.
but not today.
Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: avenged sevenfold
Florida is one big poopyface|
so I have decided it would be a better idea to own a home then go year after year of renting and moving and renting. Now that I'm trying to look for a new home I cant seem to find one I can afford in a place that i would feel safe enough.
I'm just so frustrated and run down because I keep coming up empty handed or running into a brick wall. I really do need help I don't know what the next step is. I don't know what real estate agent to trust. I don't know where to turn to get the help I need.
I don't like feeling vulnerable and that's how i feel because I usually know what to do and in this instance I don't have a clue.
I hope all this gets solved quickly . . . I just ate half of a pint of ice cream when i was already freezing.
Great news everyone! Stereomud is coming to town!!
March 7 boo ya! The Plaza Theatre 425 N Bumby Ave, Orlando, FL 32803
Also I might be getting a house. . . . so i feel like i am growing by the day, hahahahahaha
LIVE IN CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
march 6 save the date (and the money for it)!!!!
I can feel it coming in the air tonight|
Nonpoint still rocks the house down. Even on a Thanksgiving eve. So Very awesomely great fun time, oh how i missed concerts. i forgot they were my "exercise" back in the hay day of my concerting. I got out of breath in one song, pathetic. lol.
seriously awesome concert hope we all do it again sometime extremely soon.
Current Music: victim- nonpoint
So Thanksgiving is right around the bend. I have to break down a turkey because my house hold will not eat an entire turkey.
Though I have to say that I'm getting tired of cleaning up other peoples messes. I'm not a maid and i don't want it to be my profession. I went down to Tampa recently and went to a friends house and it was spotless compared to my house. i was visibly jealous. i want that. i don't know if i can ever have that because well, I'm not exactly the cleanest myself.
Moving on, we went to Busch Gardens and it wasn't how i remembered it. i don't know if i was cause we were kind of meandering or what but i felt like we had massive add. lol. we went to lory landing and the Lorikeets were mean to me, the one that i tried to pick up kept biting me until it started to bite hard where i just left it alone. We went on one last roller coaster and Sam lost her phone mid ride. I felt like shit cause i was the one to bring up the last roller coaster. but she said it was cool. then we went to chill at her house.
I'm hoping that i will be making a lot of money this week otherwise im screwed, i haven't bought anyone a present and i plan on doing a lot for people, im not sure if i can.
Im tired of the way that people treat each other. if you want your friends to be there you should probably start treating them like they are your friends. I'm tired of the high school drama bullshit. either you are a friend or your not, make up your mind
to John Gladden:|
There are nights when i want to murder someone just because i think the rest of the human race will benefit.
If you don't have enough money to go out and have a good time without hassling the person taking care of you, then stay your fucking ugly ass home. I don't understand what would posses someone to be such a fucking douche bag to someone they've never met. making that person want to go on a murderous rampage because of your stupid ignorant rambling.
Seriously i hope you choke on a chicken bone and have a fatal heart attack within the next two weeks. so hopefully your family misses their plane home. and hopefully you would have already spent all the vacation money so they couldn't get back to england. And THEY have to deal with patrons like you on a nightly basis and be stiffed by the downfall of the European society.
sit on a 19" dildo, spin, and die
Current Mood: infuriated
Cheater- to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting
you made your bed now sleep in it
So reflecting on the year as of now.
I'm closer to my extended family through my uncles passing.
I'm talking to friends that I thought would never talk to me again, and it's refreshing.
Mike has gotten a new job and currently works 4-5 days a week there.
My job has been a source of frustration and calmness.
Mike's and my 2 year anniversary is this coming week.
Things look up. maybe it was just July that was the roughest month of the year so far. But i was humbled by the concern after my emo entry.Thank you for caring.
Things have started to take a turn for the better and I cant wait to see just how much better it gets
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Atreyu-slow burn
my depression has now hit an all time low. I'm not certain of my future and who is in it.
Mike and i can't seem to get along.
I've pushed most of my friends away.
And i feel like i'm stupid or annoying when i try to make new friends.
what is a girl like me supposed to do when shes so far down and out it seems no one can help? I write/type. I feel like i can vent my feelings better this way. when im speaking i get clouded in emotion but when i write/type everything seems clear. except in this instance where i still have no idea what to do.
I feel like everyone i vent to is tried of hearing the same story over and over and over again. I simply dont know what to do and who to count on.
for the first time in years i feel completely lost.
I cant even seem to find the real me anymore, it all seems fake. fake attitude. fake grin.
Ive been praying for something to show me the way, a glimmer of hope. but it seems nothing has come up.
all that ive found is anger, fear, and sorrow.
Current Mood: rejected
i'm so fucking tired of all this stupid fucking bullshit
shot me in the head and get it over with
Hello to all in the last remaining hours of old year 2007.
2008 right around the corner.
I have to say that i think i will believe in myself more this upcoming year. and for one main reason, i set a goal when i got back from new york to make 600 by the first. currently i have $430. and i work tomorrow and the next day, meaning i only need to make $85 each night. well i get paid $15 an hour tomorrow, plus tips, so tomorrow im set.
the point is i set a goal and im fulfilling it.
tuesday was amazing
the end was a canadian band that looked like the blue man group and sounded like a mix between saliva and unearth, not very good.
terror was just plain bad
kataclasim was the best opener but still meh
chimaira was AMAZING!
i got to the front and i was safe because mike was protecting me. Mark from chimaira was right in front of me the entire time. when they did their instrumental it was great and mark looked at me and threw a pick at me. the pick is weird it's a cyborg movie pick, *shrugs*. still made me giddy as fuck.
they went on with their set which was so great. and they cracked open a mad dog 2020 and proceeded to make the best faces ive ever seen. total disgust but slighly good. they let us do the mad crazy audio feedback. and then they started kicking crowd surfers off the stage. literally kicking
they ended with of course pure hatred and they all handed out their shit and a pick from rob stopped shot and landed in between the barricades so when they were done i hoped on over and got it. mark shook peoples hand and paused on me for a second.
we went to the car, cleaned up a little and went around back. Mark was standing there being bombarded by people so i just hung back and told him that they rocked. we talked to chris and he told us that they're coming back in march with all that remains. he proceeded to tell, in detail, how he does all of his crazy sound effects to anthony, and he was in awe the rest of the night.
doesn't sound amazing because well i dont feel like putting energy in it at the moment, but rest assured it was.
i was so fucking giddy.
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: chimaira-power trip
as of late things have been going up.
I returned to work at Latin Quarter and i have to say the second time around i think i actually made my mark.
I'm serving and it's fantastic!!! Today was my first night by myself serving (i was obviously training a couple day) but i am on my own. so i had 5 tables. or so. and i had a 10 person head count and i sold $300! that's amazing!!
but i walked with $40, making $10 an hour, without my whopping $3.38 an hour, pretty good for a slow night.
so woop, im happy
that is all for now
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: halo 3
*This is for me to vent and to inform, so dont take anything personally*
for some reason everyone decides to get involved in issues they know nothing about. maybe they want to feel important because they have an answer but the truth is that apparently not many spread the truth.
for instance the reason i dont like sami. i think maybe one person knows the real reason i dont like her and that is mike.
another thing is i don't fucking care who he talks to, who he hangs out with and what the fuck he does, he comes home to me and thats all i care about.
now for the much misinterpreted reason i dont like sami and if ever in my presence she touched him i would kill her is this: as childish as it may, be she talked a LOT of shit about me and the simple fact that she doesnt know who the fuck i am. that is the reason i detest her. another reason i dont like her is cause she lied to mike.
i dont associate myself with liars, i hate them.
And i realized that i dont open myself to many people, maybe 3-4 people really know me and know why i do the things i do. and the reasons i act the way i act. and the reason i dont open up to more people is simply because i come across liars and cheaters and people i dont want to know a damn thing about me.
think what you want you now have the truth. im done
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: dull boy-mudvayne
I'm finally free of moe's hell. in fact it's closing shop for good. i got out 3 days prior, it's like i knew *shifty eyes*.
I'm enjoying my free time but i'm still stressed. i have to know that i have enough money at the end of the month and im not sure if i will. also my fridge is busted and i have to wait till monday to get a new one. problem is that they didnt specify what time on monday. so most of my food is in the trash. and i am going to raise hell and try to get $100-200 off of rent for the food and for the money going up to try and save the food i actually can try to save.
i think were going to go to oktoberfest tomorrow, or rock springs. either way i want to go out and take pictures, i feel like being a photographer tomorrow. i need new pictures so i can change my profile picture on my facebook again so mike can say "youre the one person that changes your profile pic more than sibil", which justin has changed it more than me lately, lol.
no but seriously i want to take pictures, weither or not i post them
that is all for now
Current Mood: content
First of all I put in my 2 weeks at the hell hole that i call work. i had enough.
I got a call back from universal, and hopefully i will get a call back from Florida Auto Auction *crosses fingers*
that would be ideal at the moment. Though in the long run i would be tired as a horse inseminator every night. but i need to get going with everything again. i cant stand being bored at home anymore.
Mom's moving on saturday
crossbreed is coming to town with dope. in november
things might actually be starting to look up. . . or maybe not, maybe false hope?
Current Music: atreyu stuck in my head
Things have seemed to snowball down hill for a little while now. i am broke and moe's is still fucking me big time. to add insult to injury i have to take mike to Cindy to get his tooth pulled which is going to cost approximatley 90, with meds that is, which is really good. but i have 120 in my bank account. and now my biggest cat, sprite, might be sick. . . so yeah i have no money to fix her if she is really sick. fuck. my mother is moving to new york at the end of the month. and besides this weekend the next time im going to get to see her is in december. . . .
so all put in prespective for those that just want to glance over the details.
i have to pay for mikes tooth being pulled
my cat is sick and needs to go to the vet
my mother is moving away to new york
and oh yeah lastly I'm broke
heh, what a fucking great way for things to go lately.
I'm just seeming to spiral into depression though im not trying to. i'm trying to look ahead into the future for good things that are happening and the things that are there cost money. i need a new better paying job.
i want to go to first and foremost sean's partyMonday September 17 Machine Head and Arch Enemy HOB
Saturday October 13 Chevelle with Fair To Midland and Tyler Read HOB
Saturday October 20 STATIC X Shadows Fall HOB
Friday November 02 Stephen Lynch Hard Rock Live
Monday November 05 As I Lay Dying with All That Remains and special guests TBA HOB
Sunday November 18 The JRR-B-Q Thunder field
I really haven't been to many shows in the past year. makes me sad cause sometimes i really need to go to them to get out all my frustrations and so on.
people's birthdays are coming up rather quickly and one in particular is seeming to depress me even more than i should let it. maybe its because im broke but i want to go out and have fun with people. im not a fucking mole.
im making mike's mummy a cheesecake. shes so great. i have to make it look oh so beautiful. and it will top last years cake oh so easily, last years was crooked. but still yummy. . . . i really need to find the recipe to make the cheesecake.
i feel so fucking emo sometimes, and now is one of those times. i cant go out and have fun no more, for i have no money for it.
Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: korn-evolution
miso horny me love you long time|
Mke and I celebrated a couple of days ago, it wasn't anything fancy since well we didn't plan it all too well. But it was a mighty good celebration. We went out to T.G.I.Fridays, and I have to say it seems a lot nicer since i stopped working there. I think I might apply to work there again. Though I'm trying to get a job at universal because of the benifits for working for a corporation that big. But I'm also focusing on trying to get a job at Hurrican's, it's cute and quite and tiny. I would love to work there, the food is amazing!
That was a mini tangent, lol. anyways . . . so we ate and drank and then went to the world market, i wanted to get more tea. But I forgot how much the tea is. It's $10 for 50 bags of tea. Mike got some Tucher Weiser beer, which is orange-y and not hoppy. Then I wanted to make miso soup so we went to an asian store which is a hop a skip and a jump away from the world market where I found the ever elusive miso paste (slightly fermented soybean paste). I also bought mike green tea ice cream and authentic ramen noodles. slowly but surely we're going to turn the apartment japanese. i will master the skill of the damned rolling of sushi.
we didn't get to go to hard knocks and we didn't get to get our new tattoos, lack of funds. but we still had fun.
Yesterday Jessie came down to Moes. and it was great to see her, jeff's almost 1 and he's a big baby. so she has her hands full.
for dinner i made miso soup and it burned mike's tongue but he said it was yummy. so yay i did good. though it is the easiest soup i'e ever made. lol
I'm thinking that this year will be the year for a great big halloween bash, hopefully.
Current Mood: random
Current Music: i think im turning japanese
god damn mexicans|
grrrr. . . . i just had half of this typed already. stupid computer.
anyways. .. i realized i only have a handful of friends anymore. probably mostly from me pushing everyone away. Alas.. . .
in other news mike and i will be celebrating our one year anniversary next week. well well be celebrating the official-ness of it anyways. it that makes any sence what so ever.
i have a shitty job, a friend that tells me i let people walk all over me, a kitten that pisses on everything and blah. on the other hand i have mike, my remaining hand full of friends, and fun times.
and since mike and i have money starting to flow in we will finally be going to wet n' wild soon! woop! but on our anniversary were going out to lunch and then probably going to hard knocks at night, it will be tons of fun.
we went to an english pub today for lunch/dinner and it was so damn good!!! mike got a new beer and he loved it. he's trying to eat healthier because he wants to be cut like the guys in 300 and because i ask him to try and eat a little bit healthier. And hes getting his high school diploma, which he is working on as i type. just things seem to be balancing right now. . . . .if it were just a bit more in my favor. . . . .
in a town called kickapoo|
I realized I'm nothing what I used to be like. I used to be obnoxious, not so much anymore. I've grown. I don't delve into details like I did in my old journal, which i flipped through not too long ago. i guess i knew that none of the relationships i had ment anything and i could blog most the details. with mike things are different. . . well not so much. i just dont write it all down in a journal like i used to. i speak it. i dont think ive ever gone into detail in this journal in all actuality. . . in one of my last journal entries in my other journal i said that that would be the uncensored version of my posts on that particular journal. too bad i stopped using it a long ass fucking time ago, i forgot a lot of the things that were on there. and delving into my past mike got upset. because i felt the same emotions i did when i wrote it, just not nearly as strong. he got mad at me, and i called myself a hypocrite. he says im not but i feel that i am at times. at least until someone points it out to which i usually rectify things.
i realize more and more that i was never the non-jealous type. but it seems to be spreading like a plague at this point. i trust mike with everything i have, but learning more and more about his past i cant help but wonder if history will repeat itself, as mine tends to do over and over. but i have to say since mike, nothing has haunted me. he's nothing like anyone i've ever been with, he's just amazing in every sence of the word. and sometimes i think i take it for granted and i forget just how good i have it with him. one of the reasons i looked at my old journal.
since i was going through my past, mike started showing me his old blogs as well, i hit the floor during one in particular. i just couldnt handle it anymore. i was explicit, he just wrote how much this person ment to him.
i've decided to try and not let things hit me as hard as they used to. i try not to show people im weak, but i really am.
things are getting better. money's starting to flow in again. moe's is hell but thats a different subject altogether. things for a moment seem peaceful, the next the world collapses. all part of life, sadly.
in other news last week Luke took Mike and i to Hard Knocks, a combat simulator. Much like laser tag, but dare not say it in the presence of Hard Knocks, they take great offence. guns with muzzle flashes and are actually modeled after what they're supposed to look like! and the weight and the specs are to die for. they have 2 rooms, the warehouse and the office. the third is opened only when there are 8 or more in one party, making 16+ total. which they just open the doors and both stages are used. the missions are a lot of fun, just like the old kill everone you can is. Mike and i will be spending a lot more time there. it's a hella workout AND it's fun. . . but not cheap. so anyone thats anyone will be at Hard Knocks on August the 14th. details yet to come, just we will be there, probably later in the day/night. if you want to join, please phone a friend and we will make arrangements to carpool. Also we want to plan a wet n' wild get together before the season ends, so again, keep in touch and the details will be arranged, thank you and goodnight
noise and kisses
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Chimaira in my head
looks as though im against myself at this point.
Current Mood: melancholy
I always come on here either with an unimportant update, a bitchy update or a distraught update. It marks the good and the bad times in my life and i look back and a lot of the time i delete what i say later so what makes a post worth saving in both my mind and on here? something that was very distressing most often than not.
This will most likely be one that will be deleted because im not really typing anything too interesting.
Although things havent been in the best circumstances lately im still pretty happy. i need more money to really be ok, and that sounds bad. but i need at least $1000 a month and i havent been getting that and somehow im still afloat, barely but still.
I have a wonderful boyfriend that likes to spoil me whenever he can, and it's adorable to see that rare smile that he gets when he feels like he can treat me like a princess. if it werent for him i dont know what i would be doing. He's great and i dont think i tell him enough. he loves me regardless of anything that could happen. he loves me regardless of my past and no matter what is bothering me he always finds a way to make everything all better.
My seldom remaining friends are great, im not there for them all the time yet they're still my friend. i've become a hermit. but cronk mike myself and damen went out last night and that was too much fun, we saw Ian and wished him happy birthday and also ran into little mike and his sister jamie and of course the great emily. i really miss going out with my friends and sadly i think my money issue is whats holding me back. which is sad, but im in the works of a new job *crosses fingers* one can only hope right? i mean with all my connections you think i would have had an easy time getting a job but alas my bank account still reads $1.42, i almost have more in my savings! $0.52.
Something that is kinda creepy that has been going on lately though, is that it seems my mother is copying the relationship that mike and i have with, get this, HER mike. They've been dating for a short while and already moving in together. they want to get married. some of the things they do are very similar, as in how they treat my mother and myself. Creepy!
I don't know all i know is that something needs to happen soon or im going to lose my mind! wait. . . . thats already out the window, way back in 99 i think. . . i got nothing to lose.
Current Mood: energetic
Current Music: The Used
Birthday celebration of sorts|
So my birthday didnt exactly go to plan . . . . then again i didnt have a plan, but i knew that mike's ex was NOT in it. after work mike and i went home and made things better. rented porn and it was a very very quiet birthday. today i had to work with eileen and that just made today just about the same as yesterday at work. Mike didnt have to work and he came and picked me up with roses, bright red ones, my favorite color! then we went home and he opened the bedroom door and he laid roses all over the bed, beautiful pink ones! It was the best, most beautiful birthday present ive gotten. Heh, taya got me a corset and a skirt that is absolutly adorable. tomorrow is more than likely going to be my "birthday party", and i think were going to a strip club or something of the sort. or maybe go carting, or maybe strip go carting? AH! STRIP DRUNKEN PUTT PUTT!!!!! Any other ideas are gladly accepted.
heh, someone told me that ibar had a masqerade ball on my birthday so i posed the question to mike "WHY DIDNT WE GO TO IBAR ON MY BIRTHDAY" with nothing other than absolute sarcasm in my voice. por que es 1. i HATE clubs i think they're the stupidest thing, unless you're drunk. 2. ibar fucking blows
my mum took mike, myself, my bro, and her boyfriend out to carabas on sunday and got me drunk and filled with good food. that was fun except mom's boyfriend takes most of her time up nowadays so poo.
that's all really
just ideas por favor
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: i love to singa
I was tagged by grimlyreaping
List 10 little known facts about yourself. Then choose 10 people to be tagged and write their names at the bottom of your list.
1. i was very reserved as a kid, you were lucky to get a sentence out of me
2. i want to design clothes
3. i've always wanted to be in the music industry some way or another.
4. i hate fake people
5. i didnt feel accepted, socially, till i was about 15
6. i was always the first to be picked for math groups in elementry and middle school
7. i keep my favorite knives in my dresser
8. i love to continue learning
9. i wanted to be a engineer, a fashion designer, a vet, a musican, a producer, and lastly a chef
10. my boobs are real and i hate fake boobs, they're usually horribly done
well anyone that wants to do this by all means, but I Tagged you! lol
Current Music: the simpsons theme song
all the things that have made my head feel so heavy|
i will never in this life time figure out the way some people on this planet think unless some great machine is made. i never understood being "friends" with an ex after you ran as far away from them as you could. do you think you guys can make it up sometime, be friends or *gasps* lovers again? the answer i have found a resounding no. so why is it that people hang on to their ex's phone numbers when chances are they already know it by heart/ or memory if you prefer.
if there is that chance then fine i see why people hang on. but if you know there's no way in this or any lifetime that its ever going to happen again why hold on to the past. i mean are you really going to ask that person who broke your heart/you broke there's to be there for you in your time of need or just plain bored and want to talk. or do you honestly think that that person is going to be so forgiving that they're going to invite you to some life changing event such as a birth, or a wedding, etc?
i have a fucked up past and most of the people of my past i don't want anything to do with, let alone talk to. i have forgiven the person i thought i never would have. i got over him and now when i think of him i'm not filled with anger because of the things he did to me. and there were a lot of instances that i shouldn't be able to forgive but i have, not forgotten, but forgiven, i learned and that is one of the best things about my past, i learn.
there's more but i really don't feel like typing it.
i get people i know what people are doing most the time. i watch and i've learned through my past what is the most likely scenario. i'm really good at reading people, even people i dont know. maybe its a gift, maybe it's a curse that makes me all the more paranoid all the damn time i don't know.
all i know is that this little incident is beyond my comprehension.
i'm sorry i had to vent.
Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: songs at random in my head
so. . . .Luke is moving in in may. fuzzy's moving out. i can't help but see myself pushing my girlfriends away for different things altogether. made me chuckle the other day cause i thought of what it would be like when i get married, all alone up there with no bridesmaids cause i have had falling outs with the most of them. maybe its for the best. i don't know. all i know is for some reason i don't feel much like myself today. i don't know whats wrong with me lately, i'm a tiny bit sick and i just don't feel much like doing anything. i'm just quite and reading the sin city series. i hate being sick. i need to feel pain, i need to get my tattoo. maybe then i'll feel more like myself. i've become numb for some reason and i don't like it. people change around me far too much. a friend visits and all of a sudden you're the bitchest person i would never associate myself with. i hate 2 faced people. i really do and it's beginning to end a friendship . . . . actually it was far before this that the friendship has been going to the outs. when mike and i got together is when it started to fall apart. you know the old saying misery loves company. finally i'm happy and all you can do is feel sorry for yourself and try and bring us down, get us to fight? . . . . you know what this is starting to make me feel better, even you don't ever read this shit anymore- it helps. i'm so sick of hiding in the house with my live -at -home boyfriend in our room to make you comfortable so we don't make you sick by, god for fucking bid, kiss in front of you. and when you used to spray us, the most juvenile thing i've ever seen you do. get over the past. im sorry you had a fucked up relationship and he didn't agree to P.D.A. but you know what he was only right on occasion. GET THE FUCK OVER THE PAST. you really like making yourself miserable, 7 fucking year and you cant get over someone thats married! HE'S FUCKING MARRIED!!!!! and you sit there and want to break up a marriage?! and you tell him that you'll wait however fucking long it take to get him back. when in reality you won't go out and have fun until you think you have him. you won't find someone else and if you do you wont shut up about thomas and mike so the person that you may have will get fed up and leave you. leaving you to be what you love, miserable.
i'm sorry if this offends you but i can't sit by you until you decide to realize im right.
apparently im in a bitchy mood, apparently ive been staying too quite and now im exploding cause i just cant stop now. i've been too quite apparenty cause i'm taking it out on people i dont mean to. but i am, maybe because im an idiot maybe because i feel i need the attention or maybe because i just cant take anything anymore, maybe im at a breaking point and i can truely take no more. i would love to continue but i need to shut the fuck up.
Current Mood: bitchy
Happy Fucking new Year! Hope everyone had a decent one. Friday was fun as hell, thank you to everyone that cheered me up. but i was happiest when mike started having fun, don't know what i would do without him really. celebrated with sevendust and my love and my brother. didn't get to give away the tickets, cops everywhere. (that's a story for a later time, i guess). but i kinda wish mike and i had stayed home, we were super uncomfortable for the first few songs and then after the show it went to hell, i was lost and my brother was freaking me out more than anything else. i wasn't happy, i was cold, and all i wanted to do was go home, but i couldn't cause we promised mom we would stay a little today. some times i wish i was more selfish. i just wanted to go home curl up and go to sleep. that's why i wish that we didn't really go. woulda had more fun at home with the boys really. might go visit my cousin that just got married not too horribly long ago, STEVEO, he got married and he's younger than i am. but as long as he's happy what should i care really? he's really making a good life.
so let's start the new year right, i love my friends, i love my family, and i love my mikey. you guys have truely made my life truely unique.
Current Mood: content
hope alls holidays went well. things have been quite. kinda nice actually. i will eventually update with pictures. sometime. anyways new things are on the horizon and im excited. sevendust is coming up and i dont know if anyone is as excited about it as i am, "cause i get to see lajon again"-Mike. but it will be fun starting the new year how shelley, anthony, cronk and i did years ago. it'll be a hell of a lot better than my last new years, heh, yeah bad times. last day at hot olives is on friday, look for me drunk at the show, it just might happen. most likely if thats the case before cause hob charges too damn much for the drinkies.
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: tenatious D stuck in my head for all eternity
water based lubricants: friend or foe? You be the judge|
So things have been about the same since i last updated. Mike and I have been dating for just about 2 months now and i cant say that ive been happier. He makes me the happiest ive ever been.
I'm working at U.S. Heros again and it seems that this time it's actually gonna take off.
Work at Hot Olives is ok. Glenn finally is off my case. i guess he thought i didnt really do anything and when he finally figured out that i did most the desserts he backed off.
As for hanging out with people other than mike, hasnt really happened and if it has he's usually with me. i guess that upsets some people but oh well. i love him and i love being around him.
Met the porn star Jesse Jane the other day, she's crack skinny and really unattractive in real life. also bought the pirate porn finally and its fantastic, funny and porn like. lots of sex.
Went shooting yesterday and it was mikes first time, he was insanely good at it it scared luke and myself.
thats about all thats happened lately.
so im out for now
Current Location: Mom's
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Stubb's the Zombie and Mythbusters
Welcome to the family *humps*|
So to update on things since i havent done so in a while. . . things are going good. Mike is living with me and fuzzy now and money isnt as tight (woop woop!!). We all run around like mad when we actually get out of the house. Its fun. saturday went to the crossbreed show and made fun of most the show with whoever i could, most the time it was ian. i mean i love crossbreed but they can be so funny. after the show we went to see cronkys new car- it looks like mine, its crazy. then we went to sean's birthday party which was fun as hell, sean i thank you again for the invite!!!!!! Mike got molested by someone he didnt know. i appartently drank more than i thought cause i dont remember some of the conversations i had. Yesterday we went to Cocoa to CJ's get together and that was fun as well. i got humped, felt up, and kissed by a girl i barely know. it was funny as hell but luckly for me there is no footage of this anywhere. Mwahahahahaha. so yeah fun stuff, dont really feel like back tracking for once. im just really happy.
i love caffine!!!!
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: Take it off on guitar hero
"i was going with the flow of traffic"|
well im in south carolina, i come home today after my grandfather's burial. my family is awesome i really missed them and im glad that we get to spend the time together that we do. there really needs to be more family reunions. but i have to go for im in the "business center" of the hotel and yeah people are looming and i dont want to piss off too many people this early in the morning.
back to work tomorrow with my every day life.
noise and kisses
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: exasperated sighs
so 3 months have come and gone, have you missed me?
well i got a set of new tattoos for my birthday. They were done by mason at ascension tattoo's, he's so great, i love that guy. ill be getting my new ones when i return from my grandfather's funeral.
i still have yet to fix my car for unexpected circumstances prevented me from keeping all the money the insurance company set me.
i've figured out a lot recently about this that or the other thing.
Richard has been super busy so i haven't gotten lovin in a while, i just want to cuddle
i haven't turned into an alcoholic so that's good. but i do have my own little bar at my house and by little i really mean extensive, it's kinda crazy what all i have.
Hopefully i will be getting the internet at my casa soon, i just ran through my finances and i'm standing on my feet again, even after the tattoos!
noise and kisses
Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: Phil playing video games, and cursing profusely
There's a great big beautiful tomorrow|
well my lovelies another year has passed and that means that im moving again. it might be a while till i get internet again cause frankly i can live without it.
monday's gonna be busy, we're gonna get the keys start to move big stuff (boxes not beds) in, ill take my car down to the shop to get the appraisial and hopefully start to get it fixed. go to work, finish there go to my other job, finish there. go home continue to move, go to sleep and do it all over again all week.
fun fun fun
anyone want to help with the move i will so take you out after you help me!!!!
Current Mood: calm
My car just got fucked, really really bad.
Current Mood: irritated
here is everything you've missed for the past 2 months or so:
this is why you shouldn't be in the culinary industry and leave after everyone loves you, they flour and soak you with whatever they can find, in my case, water and a couple gallons of tea.
but it just means that they love me
and now for the New York pictures and story:
we left florida at 4:00 Pm on the 23 of february and got to Buffalo at 10:00 AM on the 24th.
that night we went to the pool hall and got situated at the hotel, while everyone was having fun and drinking anne and i fell asleep because we had been up for about 40 hours at that point and we were tired. we wake up and find bottles everywhere and we look at each other and ask what the fuck happened while we were sleeping?
we ran around. we eventually went to Canada, which was so much fun!
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: disturbed
holy mother of chickens!!!! http://www.patmedia.net/marklevinson/cool/cool_illusion.html
let's see. . . work is . . . work. i have a new apartment i will be moving into on march 20th. im going on vacation february 23- march 3. mike's a monkey fucking a coconut. i had the most amazing korean food the other night. i worked for 12 hours straight on valentine's day, just so everyone else could celebrate this extremely morbid but touching holiday (One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men -- his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.) . my grandmother has breast cancer and i dont think shell be around much longer. my aunt died of breast cancer and now i believe my grandmother Wendt (mom's mom)will share the same fate, hopefully cancer wont affect any one else in my family. but i know when my grandmother dies my mother will have to help take care of my grandfater, meaning one of 2 things, shes moving to maryland, or hes moving down here. also my grandfather Lorentz (Dad's dad)is on his way out, he's slowly failing. be sure of one thing, if im on my way out, i will do everything ive always wanted to. and i will pick up habits that would make it less agonizing.
i feel like my world is turning bi-polar. one minute everything is going right, the next im on the chopping block and the hatchet is on its way down.
Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: chimaira
i may have a new apartment, a new job, and revamped hair
( color!!!!Collapse )
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: limp bizkit- nookie
time to fuck shit up|
I just found my evidence that i had the mind set of a guy. i kinda blacked it out, i dont remember the details and i didnt remember that i actually did juggle 3 guys at once. well while i was cleaning i found some cd-rws and i looked through them, one of them had a journal of my escapades that makes sex and the city look like childsplay. i was truely getting away with everything i wanted to. 3 guys, 3 months, juggling them, they probably are all the wiser to it still to this day. and the funny thing, i liked all of them, wanted a relationship with all but since no one said anything to that effect i had my cake and gorged on it. i have shyed away from the guy juggling but if it ever comes up again i know i can do it and do it very well. i remember how much fun i had reading those journals, and i kinda want it to all happen again. i wanted a relationship but i settled and i had as much fun as i could dream about, so whats so different from then to now? i dont want the relationships i had with the people i know. but i never felt alone so why dont i do it again, i dont know, maybe to spare you the happenings in my life, maybe i truly am just waiting for nothing. i'm determined to have as much fun as i did a year and a half ago, though i think i will wait till my birthday to really get out there and fuck some shit up, cause after all i am american
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: Mnemic- Dreamstate Emergency
*shakes with excitement*|
I gots a new job at hot olives, i start in 2 weeks and after i start i go on vacation for a week, heh. what timing. but im working with allan again and i will be making more money, but it is a little further its worth it.
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: the hum of the computer
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